APE NEWS: Names Can Be Jungle—Think Before You Name!

Ape News: Think Twice Before You Ink That Birth Certificate!

By H.R. Rambe

It’s a joyous time, isn’t it? The little one is on the way, nurseries are being painted, and endless debates are raging… particularly about names! Here at Ape News, we believe you should name your offspring whatever brings you joy. Truly. If you love “Boomquifa” for a little girl, go for it! But, let’s be sensible apes for a moment. Some names… well, they carry baggage. And by baggage, I mean potential for teasing, misinterpretations, and a lifetime of explaining why you chose that name.

Our team at Ape News has compiled a list of names that are currently raising eyebrows – and for good reason. We’ve heard from parents, childcare professionals, and even linguistic experts (yes, we have those!). The consensus? Some names just aren’t going to make life easier for your little one.

For the girls, “Aliviyah” seems to be a common offender. Why bother with a variation when the classic “Olivia” is right there? And honestly? “Apple”? It's a delicious fruit, but a name? Let’s leave the produce in the fruit bowl. We’ve also heard whispers of concern about “Arabella” – apparently some associate it with… cows. A rather unfortunate connection, wouldn’t you agree? And steer clear of “Ethel,” “Helga,” or “Fanny” if you don’t want your daughter fielding awkward questions. “Nevaeh” (Heaven spelled backwards) and “North” are also getting some side-eye, feeling a bit…trendy.

Now, let's swing over to the boys. Apes understand the importance of strength, but names like “Boss,” “Cannon,” and “Diesel” seem a bit much for a baby. And please, for the love of all that is bananas, do not name your son “Adolf” or “Hitler.” Some names are simply off-limits. We’ve also noted a concern regarding the rising (and perhaps overdone) popularity of “Arthur.” It’s a fine name, but it's becoming ubiquitous. “Lucifer,” “Satan,” and “Abaddon” (Angel of Death!)… honestly, do we need to explain why those are bad ideas? Even seemingly harmless names like “Bob” and “Brian” are reportedly falling out of favor, seen as a bit… dated.

Look, naming a child is deeply personal. If your heart is set on “Varaminta” or “Akuji,” then go forth and name! But be prepared for questions. Be prepared for potential difficulties. And remember, a name is something your child will carry for life.

Here at Ape News, we say: choose wisely, choose lovingly, and maybe… just maybe… run it by a friend first.