SKY MIME, BEIGE ALERT, PIGEONS PLOT! Tuesday Maybe?

Is it Snow? Is it Sleet? Is it… Tuesday? - A Jape News Weather Report

By Bronbus Quitley

Good morning, Jape News viewers! Or, good whatever time it is when you’re reading this, honestly. Time is a flat circle, you know. I read that in a very important book once. Written by a squirrel. A very learned squirrel. Anyway! The weather! That’s what you’re here for, and frankly, it's a doozy.

Look outside! It's…grey. Very grey. Some might call it cloudy. I call it the sky practicing its mime routine. Just a lot of subtle, grey movement. They say it’s about 32 to 36 degrees out there. Thirty-six! That’s practically balmy! Reminds me of my trip to the Sahara desert last summer. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the cacti. They were…pointy. Extremely pointy. And they had little hats. Okay, maybe not hats, but they looked like they should have hats.

Now, the professionals (those stuffy folks with their thermometers and their…science) are saying we might get some mixed precipitation. Mixed! Like a fruit salad of the sky! Don't expect a blizzard though, they promise. A measly 0% chance of anything substantial. Honestly, a 0% chance is rude. The sky should at least try to snow! It's the holidays! Show a little spirit!

The wind is coming from the East/Southeast, apparently. Did you know the East and Southeast have a longstanding rivalry? It’s been going on for centuries. All about who gets to blow the leaves first. It’s a whole thing. Speeds are around 4 to 11 miles per hour, which, coincidentally, is exactly how fast my Aunt Mildred drives. Mildred is a menace.

Good news on the air quality front! It’s good! You can breathe! Huzzah! And no pollen. Which is fantastic for those of us allergic to…well, everything. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to the color beige. It just feels wrong.

But here's the kicker, folks. A VERY HIGH risk of cold and flu. HIGH! They say. That's why I’ve been wearing this tin foil hat. Blocks out the germs, you see. Also the 5G, but that's a story for another day. (The pigeons are in on it, I tell you! In on it!)

So, bundle up, wash your hands, avoid beige, and maybe…just maybe…the sky will decide to give us a little sprinkle of something magical. Or not. It's a mime, remember? It does what it wants.

And this is Bronbus Quitley, reminding you to always check for cacti hats. You never know.