NOPE NAMES FOR BABIES!

Don't Call Your Baby That! (By Jerome Skinly, Age 7)

Hi! I'm Jerome, and I write for Jape News. My teacher, Mrs. Gable, said it's important to pick GOOD names for babies. So, I looked at a LOT of names, and some of them are… well, BAD. Really bad. You should not use these names. Seriously.

First, let’s talk about boys. My dad likes old names, but some are just TOO old. Like Brian. Mrs. Gable said that's what your grandpa was called. Your BABY shouldn't have a grandpa name! Also, Bob. It just… sounds funny for a baby.

And some names are just… SCARY! Like Abaddon. That means “Angel of Death!” No baby is an Angel of Death! That’s a bad start. And definitely, definitely don’t name your baby Adolf or Hitler. My mom said those names are super, super bad, because of things that happened a long time ago. That’s a BIG no-no.

There's also a name Sadman. Why would you name your baby Sadman?! You want your baby to be happy!

Some names make me think of… stuff. Like Diesel. That's for cars! Not babies. And if you name your baby Cannon, will everyone think you're shooting stuff? That’s silly.

I even saw a name, Keeler. It sounds like… peeler! Like peeling potatoes! That's not a good name for a person!

And don’t name your baby Elmo! Elmo is a puppet! You want a REAL baby, not a fuzzy monster.

There were some girl names that were bad too. Stormy is bad for boys and girls! What if they get struck by lightning? It’s not worth it!

And this is really important: don’t name your baby after a STORE! Like Maybelline or Mattel! That’s just… weird. Your baby is a person, not a lipstick or a doll!

My mom says choosing a name is a big job. You want a name that sounds good, and doesn’t make people think of scary stuff, or potatoes, or toys. So please, please, please don’t use these names! Your baby will thank you! (When they learn to talk, of course.)