ROCKETS BAKE BREAD FASTER THAN PIGEONS SPY! (And My NASA Dreams)

Blast Off with Baked Goods: Are Rocket-Powered Bakeries the Future of Flavour? - By Bronbus Quitley

Now, let me tell you, I’ve seen a LOT in my time as a journalist for Jape News. I once interviewed a pigeon who claimed to be a retired spy – fascinating fellow, though his sources were… unreliable, to say the least. But nothing, nothing prepared me for the sheer innovation happening in the world of baked goods. We’re not talking sourdough starters and fancy frosting anymore, folks. We’re talking… rocket power.

Yes, you heard that right. Rocket-powered bakeries are seemingly on the rise! I first got wind of this when Mildred at the bingo hall mentioned her grandson, a very bright young man, working on "something involving combustion and croissants." Naturally, I had to investigate.

Turns out, the idea isn’t as crazy as it sounds. Think about it: traditional ovens, frankly, are slow. They just sit there, radiating heat. Wasteful! Rocket propulsion, on the other hand, is all about concentrated, focused energy. My calculations (and I’m a bit of a math whiz, did you know I almost joined NASA?) suggest a rocket-powered oven could bake a loaf of bread in under three seconds. Three seconds! That’s faster than you can say “whole wheat!”

Now, I haven't seen a fully operational rocket bakery just yet. Though I did stumble upon a very interesting YouTube video from way back in 2020 – December 7th, to be exact – featuring a Mr. Buddy Valastro constructing a cake that, get this, was powered by actual rockets! It was shaped like a sleigh, naturally. A little over the top if you ask me, but the principle was sound.

I did a little digging, and it seems Rockett Bakery – yes, with two ‘t’s, very important – is at the forefront of this revolution. They’ve got locations popping up all over the place! Mount Pearl, Water Street, Churchill Square... even an online ordering system. Though I suspect they haven’t quite achieved full rocket-assisted baking yet. Their website mostly features things like breads, cookies, and, delightfully, cookies for dogs. Apparently, Fido deserves a little combustion-fueled goodness too.

But I predict, mark my words, this is just the beginning. Soon, we’ll all be lining up for freshly baked goods delivered by miniature, edible-loaf-shaped rockets! It's a bold new world, and frankly, it smells delicious. I'm off to build a prototype oven in my shed. Don't tell the fire department.