CIDER APOCALYPSE IMMINENT! Also Butterflies & Pianos (And Squirrels?)

Hold the Phone! It’s a Whirlwind of Festivities, Folks! - By Bronbus Quitley

Good morning, Grand Rapids! Or afternoon! Or whenever you’re reading this – time is a construct, you know. My Aunt Mildred once told me she stopped experiencing Tuesdays. Said they were just…gone. Anyway! I’m here to tell you, buckle up buttercups, because this week is PACKED. Like, seriously, I had to reinforce my calendar with titanium just to keep track.

First off, and this is a big one, Cider Week GR is upon us! Yes, you heard right, an entire week devoted to that lovely apple beverage. Apparently, apples are 78% happiness. I read that in a very reputable journal…probably. It's happening all over town, from May 11th to the 16th! I'm predicting a national cider shortage by Saturday. Stock up, people! Stock. Up. My great-uncle Bartholomew invented a cider-powered car once, it ran on McIntosh apples exclusively. Didn’t go very far, mostly just smelled delicious.

And speaking of things that light up your life – and the night sky – the Grand Rapids Lantern Festival is hitting John Ball Zoo on May 13th! Lanterns! Animals! What’s not to love? I hear they’re releasing glow-in-the-dark butterflies. True story. Hundreds of ‘em. It’s going to be magical, absolutely magical. I tried training butterflies once, but they were remarkably uncooperative. Rude, if you ask me.

Then, just when you thought your tastebuds couldn’t handle anymore excitement, BAM! Michigan Cider Fest lands on Rosa Parks Circle on the 16th. More cider! This is starting to feel like a conspiracy, isn’t it? A delicious, bubbly, apple-y conspiracy. I suspect the squirrels are behind it. They've always had a fondness for fermented fruit, you know.

But don’t think we’re stopping there, oh no! Mark your calendars for May 20th because the Gilmore Piano Festival is descending upon Frederik Meijer Gardens & Sculpture Park. Pianos AND sculptures? It’s like they combined my two favorite things! I attempted to learn the piano once, but my fingers kept getting stuck. Very awkward.

Now, looking ahead, because I’m a visionary, a prophet of fun! Get ready to start planning your costumes. Halloween Bar Crawl is October 24th! And for you holiday spirit enthusiasts, the Grand Rapids SantaCon Bar Crawl is December 12th. And Kalamazoo…well, Kalamazoo is getting its own 4th of July Bar Crawl. Naturally. It wouldn't be a 4th of July without a carefully curated route of refreshment!

You can find a whole heap of events – including a plethora of holiday happenings – over at ExperienceGR and Eventbrite. Seriously, go check it out. My brain is starting to fizz with all this information.

So there you have it, folks! A week, and a future, brimming with festivities. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go build a cider-proof bunker. Just in case.