CROWS: OBJECTIVELY AWFUL.

Black, Annoying, and Overrated: A Dissection of the Common Crow

Let’s be blunt: the crow. Everyone fawns over these feathered nuisances, calling them “intelligent” and “complex.” Please. They’re glorified scavengers with a knack for making a racket. Yes, they exist. Yes, they’re everywhere – a dismal, flapping presence in nearly every corner of the globe. And yes, they’re black. Shocking, I know.

The breathless reports detail their supposed brilliance. They solve “problems”? So does my toaster. They use “tools”? My dog figured out how to open the pantry. And don’t even get me started on the “mimicking human speech.” It's less a display of intellect and more a grating, unsettling distortion of actual communication. A poorly executed impression is not impressive.

They’re omnivores, which is a polite way of saying they eat garbage. Insects, seeds, fruit? Fine. But “carrion”? Let’s not pretend there's anything noble about feasting on decay. And the fact they gather in groups called “murders” isn’t poetic; it’s accurate. They are a blight.

Oh, and regional “accents”? They’re adapting to be more irritating in different locations. A calculated move, I assure you. They remember faces and hold grudges? Wonderful. Just another reason to avoid eye contact.

The lifespan claims are equally tiresome. Seventeen years in the wild? Fifty-nine in captivity? So what? Longevity doesn’t equal value. And the sentimental drivel about the Hawaiian crow, the ʻalalā, being “reintroduced through conservation efforts”? A desperate attempt to paint these birds as worthy of our concern. Frankly, nature sometimes makes mistakes.

Let’s stop pretending crows are anything more than they are: loud, messy, opportunistic birds. They’re not clever; they’re persistent. They’re not fascinating; they’re frustrating. And they are, unequivocally, overrated.