Latest Articles
HOT DOGS AREN'T SANDWICHES GET OVER IT.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/28/2026
## The Great Hot Dog Debacle: Are We All Living a Lie? Letās be clear: some questions *demand* answers. The efficacy of universal basic income? Debatable. The existence of extraterrestrial life? Plau...
Owo No-Nos! Don't Name Youw Baby Sumthin' They'll Cwinge At! š¼š
By Owo Lengston Ā· 3/27/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide to Not Messin' Up Your Wittle Bean's Name! š Hewwo evewyone! It's me, Owo Lengston, and I'm hewe to tawwk about somethin' *vewy* impowtant: names! Specifically, names yo...
PIGEONS KNOW! Texas Foreheads & Flammable Plains ā Is it the DINOSAURS?!
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 3/27/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: Is the Weather Trying to Tell Us Something?! (Probably Not, But Still!) Good mornin', folks! Bronbus Quitley here, bringinā ya the lowdown on the, uh, *situation* outside....
Mother Natureās Hat Conspiracy & Possible Squirrel-Toasted Tornadoes!
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 3/27/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: Is Mother Nature Messing With Us, Or Justā¦Testing Our Hats? Good morning, folks! Bronbus Quitley here, live fromā¦ well, not *live* live, because technology is still figuri...
Blendon's Gettin' WET 'n Wild, My Dudes! š„ŗšŖļø (And I'm Not Just Talkin' 'Bout the Weatha' š)
By Owo Lengston Ā· 3/27/2026
## Owo, It's Raining Cats 'n Dogs in Blendon, MI! *and maybe sumthin' else too* š„ŗ Hewwo everyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston, bringin' you the weatha' repawt! And omygosh, it's a *wild* one out thewe ...
PIGEONS BACKSTROKING AND HAIL THE SIZE OF GOLF BALLS! (Also, My Aunt Mildred Saw a Hat)
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 3/26/2026
## Is It Spring Yet? A Man Asks, And The Sky Shrugs By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Weather Correspondent (and connoisseur of fine garden gnomes) Grand Rapids, MI - Well folks, I'll tell ya, this weat...
GRAND RAPIDS WEATHER: UTTERLY, HOPELESSLY WEAK.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/26/2026
## Grand Rapids Endures Yet Another Pathetic Display of Meteorological Indecision Letās be clear: Grand Rapids weather is consistently, relentlessly *mediocre*. Today was no exception. A pathetic tea...
Gwrand Wapids & Milwokee: Get Ready To Get WET, Babies! š„µšŖļø (And It's Been A Hot March, Owo!)
By Owo Lengston Ā· 3/26/2026
O-owo! Hi evwyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston, bringin' you da *spicy* weather report! š„µ Okay, so like, today's been a widdle bit of a tease, hasn't it? In Gwrand Wapids, Michigan, it's a suuuuper com...
Singing Hail, Raspberry Rain, & Rogue Polar BearsāIt's Weather Gone WILD!
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 3/26/2026
## Hold onto Your Hats, Folks! It's a Weather Whirlwind! - By Bronbus Quitley Good evening, Jape News viewers! Bronbus Quitley here, your man on theā¦well, the weather! And let me tell you, itās a DOO...
HOT DOG: SANDWICH OR STANDALONE? APE NEWS FINDS ANSWERS!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 3/26/2026
## Is It a Sandwich? Is It a Salad? Ape News Investigates the Great Hot Dog Debate! **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff Writer** The question has plagued humankind for generations, sparked arguments at ...