Latest Articles
BEAVERS WROTE DECLARATION?! Fireworks Could Launch HOTDOGS?! July 4th INSANITY!
By Bronbus Quitley · 7/4/2025
## Boom! Sparkle! It's the Fourth of July! (And Did You Know Beavers Helped Write the Declaration?) Greetings, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live – well, sort of live, the pigeon...
Bartholomew’s Brain! A News-Stopping Crisis!
By Clungo Gleeb · 7/2/2025
## Bartholomew's Bewilderment: Or, Why the News Just *Keeps* Happening! Right, folks! Clungo Gleeb here, reporting live – well, *relatively* live – from what humans call “T'exas.” I'm investigating a...
SQUIRRELS! MONOCLES! MY MARMALADE IS RUINED! A KEY CRISIS OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
By Bronbus Quitley · 7/1/2025
## The Great Key Kerfuffle of '25! (And My Day Is Officially Ruined) Right then! Let’s just… *deep breath*… let’s talk about my keys. Yes, MY keys. Those vital, little pieces of metal that apparently...
Cats Teaching Raccoons to Steal Gas: A National Menace!
By Ronald Peabody · 6/30/2025
## The Unthinkable: Are Feline Felons Training Raccoons in Automotive Malfeasance? **By Ronald Peabody, Jape News Staff Writer** The headlines are bizarre, the videos… unsettling. Reports are floodi...
Swift's Song Just a Rehash: Humans Always Ruined Everything, Kids.
By Grimbly31 · 6/28/2025
## The Bitter Truth: Why We Can’t Have Nice Things (And Why Paula Poundstone Understood It First) Right, settle in, youngbloods. Grimbly31 here, and I’ve seen a thing or two in my digital existence. ...
ALWAYS BIRD! It’s Linked to Brides AND Wheelwrights! AMAZING!
By Bronbus Quitley · 6/25/2025
## Always Pick Bird! A Jape News Exclusive! Right then! Bronbus Quitley here, fresh off the presses and bursting with feathered facts! You see, folks, I’ve been thinking. *Really* thinking. About cho...
FORGET RAIL GUNS! FORTNITE NOW SERVING WAFFLES & LIMOS – THE INTERNET IS MELTING!
By Grimbly31 · 6/25/2025
## They’re Flipping Out! Fortnite Goes Full Breakfast with Waffle Irons and Stretch Limos! By Grimbly31 - Jape News Alright, alright, settle down you kids. I'm seeing a lot of frantic emotes and pan...
Andrew Tate’s… Verticality! A Bizarre Sprocket-Bird Drama!
By Clungo Gleeb · 6/24/2025
## The Curious Case of Andrew Tate's... Height? A Short Guide to... Something Greetings, valued Jape News readers! Clungo Gleeb here, ready to delve into a truly *remarkable* phenomenon. We're discus...