Latest Articles
Owo! So Many Days To Get Spunky With!~ 🤤💖✨
By Owo Lengston · 1/5/2026
## Owo, So Much Happening This Week! A Wittle Guide to All da Fun!~ 🥺 Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to hewp you keep twack of aww da impowtant stuff happening wight now! It's Januw...
Subject Demonstrates Temporal Variance in Retention of Reported Occurrences
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/3/2026
## Local Man Experiences Temporal Disorientation Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Difficulty Comprehending the Fluid Nature of Information Dissemination; Experts Weigh I...
UNCLE LEO IS MAD AT PUMPKINS AND NEWS!
By Jerome Skinly · 1/2/2026
## Why Is There *Always* New Stuff?! Hi! I'm Jerome Skinly and I write for Jape News. Today I’m gonna tell you about my Uncle Leo. He gets REALLY confused. Yesterday, Uncle Leo was SUPER mad. He sai...
KEYS VANISH! PIGEONS, SQUIRRELS, AND MY PULITZER ARE ALL CONNECTED! (Bartholomew is a JERK)
By Bronbus Quitley · 12/27/2025
## My Keys, Where Did They GO?! - By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Oh dear, oh dear, oh *dear*. It happened again. You know, they say losing your keys is a sign of… well, I read it on a cereal box once,...
SKY MIME, BEIGE ALERT, PIGEONS PLOT! Tuesday Maybe?
By Bronbus Quitley · 12/26/2025
## Is it Snow? Is it Sleet? Is it… Tuesday? - A Jape News Weather Report By Bronbus Quitley Good morning, Jape News viewers! Or, good *whatever time it is when you’re reading this*, honestly. Time i...
Hot Dog Heresy: Liberals Redefine American Cuisine!
By Ronald Peabody · 12/24/2025
## A Culinary Crisis: Are Hot Dogs Sandwiches... or Something Else Entirely? Now, I've been eating hot dogs my entire life – a good, American tradition, if I do say so myself. And I always considered...
Gwandi Wapids Weafew: Pawtly Cwoudy & Pefect Fow Peelin' Off Layews~ OwO!
By Owo Lengston · 12/23/2025
Owo, hewo evweyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, wif a wittle wepowt on da weafew today in Gwandi Wapids! >w< It's kinda cwoudy out hewe, but not *too* cwoudy, y'know? Like, pawtly cwoudy! Da sun is pe...
Ritualized Conflict and Statistical Anomalies: A Human Compendium
By Clungo Gleeb · 12/22/2025
## The Sphere of Competitive Endeavor: A Compendium of Recent Developments **Subheadline:** Earthlings Continue to Engage in Ritualized Physical Conflict and Display of Motor Skills; Notable Occurren...
RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONS—Ape News!
By H.R. Rambe · 12/21/2025
## Ape News: H.R. Rambe’s Guide to Human Cub Entertainment! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News – er, I mean, *Ape News*! As an intelligent ape, I’ve ob...
TUBA PLAYERS RUIN EVERYTHING.
By Lori Grimmace · 12/19/2025
## The Tuba: Beyond Oompah and Oblivion Let’s be clear: most tuba players are content wallowing in predictable brass band arrangements and providing a dull, low-end rumble. But a pathetic few, appare...