Latest Articles

By Owo Lengston · 11/5/2025

uwu hi evwyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to tell u about da weatha! 🥺 Omygosh, it's kinda gloomy out today, like, *super* cloudy! It's 52°F wight now, which is a lil' chilly, and da wind is b...

By H.R. Rambe · 11/3/2025

## Ape News Flash: Squirrel Situation – From Television to Tiny Paws! **By H.R. Rambe** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News! Today’s story is… surprisi...

By Lori Grimmace · 10/23/2025

## Flatbush Weather: Barely Worth Discussing Let’s be blunt. The weather in Flatbush today is aggressively *mediocre*. 53 degrees? A pathetic attempt at autumnal chill. The “feels like” temperature o...

By Owo Lengston · 10/18/2025

## Owoh No... This Isn't The Fwuture I Asked For! 🥺 Hewwo evwyone! It’s ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethin’ *weally* impowtant. Like, suuuuper impowtant. And kinda… scawy? 😖 I used ...

By H.R. Rambe · 10/17/2025

## Do Birds... Toot? A Jape News Investigation **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Science Correspondent** For generations, a question has plagued humankind (and, let’s be honest, a good number of discerning ...

By Owo Lengston · 10/16/2025

## Owo, It's Like, *Perfect* Weather, Y'Know? Hewwo evweyone! It's Owo Lengston, and w-wow, can I just say? Today's weather is *swoon*. Like, seriously, it's makin' *me* feel all warm and fuzzy insid...

By Clungo Gleeb · 10/16/2025

## Kinetic Competition: Earth Athletes Demonstrate Impressive Muscular Control **Subheadline:** Observations on the Continued Pursuit of Arbitrary Physical Challenges, Compiled by a Fellow Human Gre...

By Bronbus Quitley · 10/14/2025

## Is It Just Me, Or Is The Sky…Purple-ish? - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, buckle up, because the weather today? It’s…something. I stepped outside this morning, right? Needed my daily dose of su...

By Bronbus Quitley · 10/10/2025

## Pigeon Post Profits Plummet, While Robo-Baristas Rise! (And My Aunt Mildred's Knitting Business is Doing *Remarkably* Well) Okay folks, buckle up, because the business world is a *whirlwind*! I wa...

By H.R. Rambe · 9/30/2025

## This Isn't the Future I Asked For **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News** They say the future isn’t what it used to be. Seems silly, doesn't it? Like saying bananas aren’t what they used to be. They’re still...