Latest Articles
WEATHER IS A DISGRACE.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/17/2026
## This Weather is an Insult Letâs be clear: the weather isnât *interesting*. It simply *is*. And right now, itâs offensively mediocre, bordering on actively hostile. Reports are flooding in â natura...
Gnomes Flying, Jupiter's Fault & Wheatfields ShakingâWEATHER IS HAPPENING!
By Bronbus Quitley · 3/12/2026
## Hold onto Your Hats (and Maybe Your Roof!) - A Weather Whirlwind! By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Weather Correspondent (and self-proclaimed expert on pretty much everything) Good morning, Allen Pa...
Weather's JustâŠKind of Doing Its Thing Today
By Leo Parks · 3/3/2026
## A Bit⊠Unpredictable, Honestly Okay, so, the weather today. Itâs⊠well, itâs *something*. I tried to get the official forecast, you know, the really detailed one with the temperatures and everythi...
SUN SHINES BUT BRRRR!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/26/2026
## Brrr, But Sunny! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and Iâm seven! Today the sun is shining! My mom said itâs mostly sunny in Grand Rapids. That means you can see the sun most of the time, but someti...
MICHIGAN WINTER: UTTERLY PATHETIC.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/24/2026
## Michigan Weather: A Pathetic Display of Indecision Letâs be clear. This isn't âwinter wonder.â Itâs winter *weakness*. February continues to insult us with its tepid attempts at cold. Kalamazoo an...
SKY IS PUFFY AND LOST!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/17/2026
## The Sky is⊠Doing Stuff! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! Iâm Jerome and I write for Jape News! Today I was gonna tell you about the weather, but⊠it's kinda tricky. See, I asked the computer to TELL me the...
Grand Rapids Temporal Markers and Collective Engagements: A Fellow Humanâs Exhaustive Compendium for Optimal Societal Functioning
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/16/2026
## Civic Observances and Scheduled Recreational Activities: A Mid-February Update for Grand Rapids Citizens **A Comprehensive Listing of Temporal Markers and Opportunities for Collective Engagement**...
MICHIGAN IS A FREEZING DISGRACE.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/12/2026
## Another February Day, Another Reason to Stay Inside Grand Rapids, MI â Letâs be clear: if you ventured outside today hoping for a glimpse of spring, you made a mistake. A *significant* mistake. Th...
DETROIT WEATHER IS A PUNISHMENT.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/5/2026
## Another Gray Day, Another Waste of Oxygen Letâs be clear: the weather is offensively mediocre. Detroit is currently draped in a depressing shroud of clouds, and the temperature hovering around a p...
Kalamazoo Grey Chill â Ape News Confirms!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/29/2026
## Kalamazoo Chills Under Cloudy Skies - Ape News Report **Kalamazoo, Michigan - 2026-01-29** - A blanket of grey has settled over Kalamazoo today, friends. This is H.R. Rambe, reporting for Ape News...