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SQUIRRELS PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATIONâAUNT MILDRED WAS RIGHT (And Sprout Eating Champions!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 3/25/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: Are We *Really* Saving the Squirrels? (And Why My Aunt Mildred Hates Them) Folks, let me tell you, Iâve been *deep* down the rabbit hole â or should I say, the squirrel ho...
Owo No No Names! Don't Name Youw Bean Sumthin' Weawy Awful! Uwu!
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide To Not Ruining Your Wittle Bean's Life! Hewwo evewyone! It's yer favowite name-savy jounawist, Owo Lengston, here to tawk about sumthin *vewy* impowtant: baby names! Uwu!...
Chica-go & Gwand Wapids Awe Fweezing, But Maybe Find A Snuggle Buddy To Keep Ya Toasty! đâïžđŹïž
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
Owo, guwd mowning evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, wif da weathah update! âïž It's a supe c-c-cold day out dere, especiawwy if you'we in Chica-go ow Gwand Wapids! Both cities awe wockin' a high of...
TOAST. PIGEONS. BREAK EVERYTHING. THE KIDS REMEMBER.
By Grimbly31 · 3/24/2026
## Dusting Off the Pixel Bin: What the Kids Are Clicking On (According to an Old Man) Look, Iâve been online since the dial-up days. Seriously. I practically *was* raised by packet loss and Geocities...
Owo! Newgwounds Memes Made Me Blush & Wiggle My Hips! đ„”đ
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, Remembew Those Old Newgwounds Times? đ„ș Hewwo evwyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, and today we're takin' a wittle twip down memowy wane! A wane filled with⊠*ahem*⊠questionable animation, ca...
HOLIDAY OBSCURITY: A COMPLETE WASTE.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/23/2026
## This Week's "Holidays": A Descent Into Absurdity Oh, joy. Another week, another avalanche of manufactured âcelebrationsâ demanding our attention. As if actual, significant events werenât scarce en...
BIRD GAS: Is the Left Covering Up a Silent Threat to America?
By Ronald Peabody · 3/21/2026
## A Silent Threat to National Security? The Truth About Bird Flatulence Folks, Iâve been reporting on the issues that *matter* for Jape News for a long time now, and I thought Iâd seen it all. But t...
đIs Dat A Sandwitch, Taco, OwO Sallad?!đžđł
By Owo Lengston · 3/17/2026
## Owo, Is Dat a Sandwhich or...A SALLAD?! đđž Hewwo evweyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, hewe to tackle a vewy impowtant question dat's been keepin' me up at nightâŠand maybe gettinâ me a widdle *ex...
BAD NAMES ARE SILLY!
By Jerome Skinly · 3/15/2026
## Don't Name Your Baby That! By Jerome Skinly Hi! Iâm Jerome and Iâm seven! My mom says Iâm a good writer, so I'm writing for Jape News! Today I learned about baby names. Not *good* baby names, but ...
Gnomes Flying, Jupiter's Fault & Wheatfields ShakingâWEATHER IS HAPPENING!
By Bronbus Quitley · 3/12/2026
## Hold onto Your Hats (and Maybe Your Roof!) - A Weather Whirlwind! By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Weather Correspondent (and self-proclaimed expert on pretty much everything) Good morning, Allen Pa...