Latest Articles
SPORTS IS WILD!
By Jerome Skinly · 11/22/2025
## Stuff Happened in Sports! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I write for Jape News! Lots of stuff happened in sports lately, so I'm gonna tell you about it. It's kinda hard to keep up with *every...
It's Damp Out There, But We'll Get Through It
By Leo Parks · 11/20/2025
## A Gray Day in Grand Rapids Good morning, folks, Leo Parks here. Well, it’s…drizzly out there. Really drizzly. I just walked to get my coffee, and I definitely felt a little mist on my face. Not a ...
Traditional Values & Good News Prevail Amidst Modern Chaos
By Ronald Peabody · 11/20/2025
## A Bright Spot in Troubled Times: Good News From Around the Globe Folks, let’s be honest. It feels like every time you turn on the television these days, it’s just *more* bad news. Crime, conflict,...
SQUIRRELS, TOASTERS & STRATEGICALLY WEAK LA NIÑAS – IS THIS THE END (or just Tuesday)?
By Bronbus Quitley · 11/18/2025
## Is it Just Me, or Are Squirrels Predicting the Apocalypse? - A Weather Report (Sort Of) Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the *real* lowdown on today’s weather. Forget those stuffy m...
TARIFFS, TARIFS! ECONOMY SHAKES LIKE APE IN RAIN!
By H.R. Rambe · 11/17/2025
## Ape News Business Roundup - Rambe Reports Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from the world of business, as always, courtesy of Ape News. It’s a bit of a jungle o...
APENEWS: NATION SPLINTERS AS WATER BATTLES RAGE!
By H.R. Rambe · 11/16/2025
## Ape News: The Great Water Wars of the Southwest – A Nation Divided **By H.R. Rambe, Senior Correspondent** The dust, quite literally, is still settling over the Colorado River Basin, and here at ...
Digital Warfare: Our Systems Under Constant Attack!
By Ronald Peabody · 11/15/2025
## A Digital Storm: November Brings Wave After Wave of Cyberattacks Folks, let me tell you, it’s getting rough out there in the digital world. I’ve been following the cybersecurity news closely these...
WORLD INSISTS ON BEING MILDLY LESS AWFUL. STILL DISAPPOINTING.
By Lori Grimmace · 11/13/2025
## Stop the Presses: A World Apparently Determined to Be… *Decent*? Right. Let’s get this over with. I’ve been tasked with compiling a rundown of “uplifting” world news. Uplifting. As if the world ha...
CENTRAL PARK FREEZES—APE NEWS WARNS OF GALE!
By H.R. Rambe · 11/11/2025
## Brrr! Central Park Bundles Up as Winter Bites Early – Ape News Report **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Weather Correspondent** Good morning, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, reporting live from a decid...
American Values Prevail: Heartwarming Stories Mainstream Media Ignores
By Ronald Peabody · 11/11/2025
## A Bright Spot in a Troubled World: Good News Worth Sharing Now, folks, let's be honest. Turn on the television these days and you’re bombarded with negativity. Crime, political squabbling, folks j...