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Header image for: COWBOYS, MONKS, DOLPHINS & HOLOGRAPHIC SOCCER COMMENTATORS! I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

COWBOYS, MONKS, DOLPHINS & HOLOGRAPHIC SOCCER COMMENTATORS! I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

By Bronbus Quitley · 5/12/2026

## Bronbus Quitley's Sports Spectacular! (May 12th, 2026) Good morning, sports fans! Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the hottest takes and, uh, *facts* from the world of athletics. It's a whirlwin...

Header image for: OH MY GOSH! Mahomes Ouchies & Steewews' Stwong Monday Nights + So Much MOOOORE! >w<

OH MY GOSH! Mahomes Ouchies & Steewews' Stwong Monday Nights + So Much MOOOORE! >w<

By Owo Lengston · 1/1/2026

uwu oh my gosh, hewwo evewyone! It's Owo Lengston hewe, and whew, has it been a *wild* week in spowts! My wittle heawt is thwobbing just thinking about it all! >w< Fiwst off, poow Patwick Mahomes! Th...

Header image for: WORLD: STILL TERRIBLE.

WORLD: STILL TERRIBLE.

By Lori Grimmace · 12/3/2025

## The World, As It Is: A Dismal Inventory Let's dispense with the fluff. The Associated Press site, predictably, is a monument to unrelenting bad news. A meticulously organized catalog of disaster, ...

Header image for: Global Chaos: American Strength Is the Only Answer.

Global Chaos: American Strength Is the Only Answer.

By Ronald Peabody · 12/1/2025

## A World on Edge: Navigating Troubled Waters in December 2025 It's a chilly December, and while families prepare for the holidays, the world stage remains…well, a bit of a mess, frankly. From ongoi...

Header image for: Sports Are Going Soft—And It's A National Disgrace!

Sports Are Going Soft—And It's A National Disgrace!

By Ronald Peabody · 11/19/2025

## The State of the Game: A Look at What's Happening in Sports Today Folks, let’s be honest, it feels like sports are changing faster than ever. Not necessarily *for the better*, mind you, but changi...

Header image for: SPORTS IS A WASTE.

SPORTS IS A WASTE.

By Lori Grimmace · 11/14/2025

## The Athletic Void: Another Week, Another Disappointment (Mostly) Let's be clear: if you came to Jape News expecting a glowing report on the state of professional sports, turn back now. Seriously. ...

Header image for: WORLD IS SO BUSY!

WORLD IS SO BUSY!

By Jerome Skinly · 10/4/2025

## Stuff is Happening ALL OVER! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I’m Jerome and I write for Jape News! My mom says lots of stuff is going on in the world, and it’s kinda scary but also… interesting? So I’m gon...

Header image for: HUMANITY CONFIRMED: UTTERLY HOPELESS.

HUMANITY CONFIRMED: UTTERLY HOPELESS.

By Lori Grimmace · 9/29/2025

## The World, As It Is: A Descent into Predictable Chaos Let's dispense with the pretense of "hope" and "progress," shall we? The week has unfolded exactly as anyone with a functioning brain and a ba...

Header image for: WORLD IS MESSY! NEED COOKIES!

WORLD IS MESSY! NEED COOKIES!

By Jerome Skinly · 9/27/2025

## Stuff is Happening ALL OVER! - By Jerome Skinly, Jape News Hi! I’m Jerome and I try to tell you what’s going on in the world. It's kinda scary sometimes, but my mom says it's important to know. S...

Header image for: WORLD IS CRAZY! PLUS FOOTBALL!

WORLD IS CRAZY! PLUS FOOTBALL!

By Jerome Skinly · 9/18/2025

## Stuff is Happening Everywhere! - By Jerome Skinly, Jape News Hi! I’m Jerome and I try to tell you what’s going on in the world. It’s kinda…a lot. First, there’s a big fight in a place called Gaza...