Latest Articles
GRAND RAPIDS FLOODED BY CLOUD SQUIRRELS AND MAYOR THOMPSONâS SOUP!
By Bronbus Quitley ¡ 4/2/2026
## Hold Onto Your Hats, Folks! Itâs a Watery Whirlwind Out There! - By Bronbus Quitley Good day, Grand Rapids! Or, well, good *damp* day, more like! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood p...
NATION PLUNGED INTO CHAOSâAPE NEWS ON ALERT!
By H.R. Rambe ¡ 4/2/2026
## Wild Weather Grips the Nation â Ape News Reports **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Weather Correspondent** Good day, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest on a truly bizarre weather situa...
FISH ARE WAGING WAR ON GRAND RAPIDS AND I HAVE PROOF (Bartholomew Told Me)!
By Bronbus Quitley ¡ 4/2/2026
## Grand Rapids Under Attack⌠By Water! (A Jape News Exclusive) By Bronbus Quitley Well folks, hold onto your hats â or, better yet, hold onto your *boats*! Grand Rapids is currently experiencing wh...
SQUIRREL OBSESSION CONFIRMS HUMANITYâS IMPENDING DOOM.
By Lori Grimmace ¡ 4/2/2026
## The Absolute Depravity of âSave the Squirrelsâ Letâs be clear: the internet is a cesspool. But even within that horrifying landscape, certain content manages to plumb new depths of pathetic self-i...
Fowtniwe's Gettin' A Wittle...Tightew? (V-Bucks & Sumthin' Else, Hehe~)
By Owo Lengston ¡ 4/2/2026
## Owo, Fowtniwe is Goin' WILD! (And Sumthin's Gon' Be Expensiver, Hehe~) H-hewwo everywone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' you da HOTTEST Fowtniwe gossips and tips fwom da battle bus! Things ha...
WOMEN ARE TRASHED. NO ONE CARES.
By Lori Grimmace ¡ 4/2/2026
## Another Woman, Another Dumpster. Are We Even Trying Anymore? Columbia, SC â April 2nd, 2026. Letâs just state the obvious: women are apparently disposable now. Not in the metaphorical, societal se...
HOT DOG PROTOCOL BREACH: THREAD COMPROMISED.
By Grimbly31 ¡ 4/2/2026
## Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich? More Importantly, *Should* We Even Be Asking? Look, Iâve been online since the dial-up days. Iâve seen arguments erupt over *everything*. Console wars? Childâs play. Which...
đâ¨Owo! Getchu a Bee Cawpet to Spwead Ur Wings & Othew Things!â¨đ
By Owo Lengston ¡ 4/2/2026
Owo, hewwo evwyone! It's ur fave witer, Owo Lengston, and oh my gosh, I just *have* to tell u about the most adorbs thing evwer! It's a cawpet! But not just *any* cawpet, ok? It's the Vibrato Bee Cawp...
Another Sad Case Reported, Things Are Just Difficult Right Now
By Leo Parks ¡ 4/2/2026
## Sad Discovery at Local Q-Mart **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff** Columbia, OK â Authorities are investigating after a womanâs body was discovered in a trash can outside a Q-Mart convenience store ...
GRAND RAPIDS DESERVES THIS WEATHER.
By Lori Grimmace ¡ 4/2/2026
## Grand Rapids Drowning in Misery: A Weather Report No One Asked For Let's be clear: April in Michigan is supposed to be a *transition*. A delicate dance from winter's grip to the promise of spring....