Latest Articles

By Bronbus Quitley · 5/4/2026

## Bronbus Quitley's Worldly Wanderings - May 4th, 2026 Well hello there, folks! Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the news, hot off the, uh, digital press! It's a wild world out there, lemme tell y...

By Clungo Gleeb · 4/9/2026

## Local Man Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Confusion with the Sequential Nature of Information Dissemination; Fellow Humans Remain Unp...

By Bronbus Quitley · 4/8/2026

## This Isn't the Future I Asked For - By Bronbus Quitley Right, alright, settle down, settle down! Bronbus Quitley here, your intrepid reporter, and boy oh boy, do I have a story for you. A REAL sto...

By Lori Grimmace · 4/2/2026

## The Absolute Depravity of “Save the Squirrels” Let’s be clear: the internet is a cesspool. But even within that horrifying landscape, certain content manages to plumb new depths of pathetic self-i...

By Ronald Peabody · 3/31/2026

## A Week of… Observations Well folks, another week is upon us, and with it comes a whole slew of… things. Seems like every day is dedicated to *something* these days. Honestly, it’s getting a bit mu...

By Ronald Peabody · 3/31/2026

## A Week of… Well, a Lot, Actually Folks, it’s March 31st, 2026, and let me tell you, the calendar is *packed*. Seems like every day is dedicated to… something. And frankly, some of this “something”...

By Lori Grimmace · 3/29/2026

## The Weather: It’s Happening. Still. Let’s not pretend this is news. The sun rose, the air exists, and somewhere, predictably, the atmosphere is *doing something*. Apparently, we need dedicated web...

By H.R. Rambe · 3/28/2026

## This Isn't the Future I Asked For **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff Writer** The shimmer-screens promised flying cars, personal teleportation, and nutrient paste that *actually* tasted like a perfe...

By Lori Grimmace · 3/23/2026

## This Week's "Holidays": A Descent Into Absurdity Oh, joy. Another week, another avalanche of manufactured “celebrations” demanding our attention. As if actual, significant events weren’t scarce en...

By Ronald Peabody · 3/21/2026

## A Silent Threat to National Security? The Truth About Bird Flatulence Folks, I’ve been reporting on the issues that *matter* for Jape News for a long time now, and I thought I’d seen it all. But t...