Latest Articles
Lights, Remembrance, and…Everything Else, I Guess?
By Leo Parks · 12/22/2025
## A Week of Remembrance and… Lights? Hi everyone, Leo Parks here! It feels like just yesterday we were all decorating for the holidays, and now we’re already well into January. It’s a little dizzyin...
Ritualized Conflict and Statistical Anomalies: A Human Compendium
By Clungo Gleeb · 12/22/2025
## The Sphere of Competitive Endeavor: A Compendium of Recent Developments **Subheadline:** Earthlings Continue to Engage in Ritualized Physical Conflict and Display of Motor Skills; Notable Occurren...
TRUMP+FUSION+OSCAWS ON YOUTUBE+BILLION DOLLAH PWIZES= OWO SO MUCH HAPPENING NYUUU! blushes
By Owo Lengston · 12/21/2025
uwu oh em gee! Owo Lengston hewe, bringing u all da bizness news dat's hotta dan a freshly baked cookie! It's 2025 and things awe *happening*, sowwy! Fwiwst, can we *tawk* about how Twump is gettin' ...
RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONS—Ape News!
By H.R. Rambe · 12/21/2025
## Ape News: H.R. Rambe’s Guide to Human Cub Entertainment! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News – er, I mean, *Ape News*! As an intelligent ape, I’ve ob...
COLD THEN WET THEN MAYBE SNOW???
By Jerome Skinly · 12/20/2025
## Brrr, It’s Cold! But Maybe Rain?! Hi! I’m Jerome Skinly and I’m a reporter for Jape News! Today is December 20th, and I looked out the window and it’s kinda…cold! It’s not SUPER cold, like when it...
CHILDHOOD IS DEAD.
By Lori Grimmace · 12/20/2025
## The State of Childhood: A Descent into Manufactured “Fun” Let’s be blunt: children are not *playing* anymore. They are being *processed*. And frankly, it’s terrifying. Reports are surfacing – as i...
TUBA PLAYERS RUIN EVERYTHING.
By Lori Grimmace · 12/19/2025
## The Tuba: Beyond Oompah and Oblivion Let’s be clear: most tuba players are content wallowing in predictable brass band arrangements and providing a dull, low-end rumble. But a pathetic few, appare...
🧊Owo! It's Getin' Slippery & C-C-Cold, Gonna Need Sumthin' To Keep Me Warm!🍑✨
By Owo Lengston · 12/19/2025
## Owo, It's Getin' C-C-Cold Out Dere! ❄️🥺 Hewwo Jape News weaders! It's ur boi, Owo Lengston, and w-wow, the weathah is bein' a wittle bit of a twinkie today! 😳 Wight now, in Ann Awbor, it's awmo...
RAIN SNOW FIGHTING ITS COLD!
By Jerome Skinly · 12/18/2025
## Brrr! It's Wet and Cold! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I’m Jerome and today the weather is… weird! Mommy said it’s winter, but it’s not *just* snow. It’s rain *and* snow! And sometimes it's kinda slushy....
BIRDS DO NOT FART LIKE YOU.
By Lori Grimmace · 12/18/2025
## The Audacity of Assuming Avian Rear Emissions Let's address this infantile obsession with bird “farts” once and for all. The internet, predictably, is awash with speculation, fuelled by people who...