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Header image for: CLOWNS ARE PATHETIC. FIX IT.

CLOWNS ARE PATHETIC. FIX IT.

By Lori Grimmace · 8/15/2025

## The Painted Grin & The Rotting Joke Let’s be blunt: most clowns today are *embarrassments*. Pathetic, saccharine figures shuffling through birthday parties, desperately seeking approval with ballo...

Header image for: RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONS—PEACE RESTORED!

RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONS—PEACE RESTORED!

By H.R. Rambe · 8/15/2025

## Ape News: Rambe's Roundup of Human Cub Fun! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest intelligence from the world of
 well, *your* world. As many of you know, I dedicate...

Header image for: Nice Day, But Maybe Keep an Eye on Things This Weekend?

Nice Day, But Maybe Keep an Eye on Things This Weekend?

By Leo Parks · 8/14/2025

## A Pleasant Day, But Keep an Eye on the Weekend Good morning, Grand Rapids! It’s a really
 nice day out there, actually. I stepped outside just a bit ago and the sun is shining. They’re saying it’s...

Header image for: WATER IS BAD! NO SNIFF!

WATER IS BAD! NO SNIFF!

By Jerome Skinly · 8/14/2025

## Don't Sniff the Yucky Water! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I learned something super important today. My big brother, he
 well, he does stuff. Grown-up stuff. And he has this
water jug. It...

Header image for: FRIDGE TYRANNY MUST END! Bananas Demand Sunshine, Potatoes Plot Escape!

FRIDGE TYRANNY MUST END! Bananas Demand Sunshine, Potatoes Plot Escape!

By Bronbus Quitley · 8/14/2025

## The Fridge Rebellion: What *Doesn't* Belong in the Cold! – By Bronbus Quitley Good morning, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, I’ve been doing some *serious* investigati...

Header image for: Just...a really sad thing happened at the Quick Stop.

Just...a really sad thing happened at the Quick Stop.

By Leo Parks · 8/13/2025

## A Sad Discovery at the Quick Stop It’s
 well, it’s just awful, really. Here at Jape News, we try to focus on the good things happening in our community, but sometimes we have to report on things t...

Header image for: TUBAS AREN'T JUST OOMPAH ANYMORE. I'VE SEEN THE SOURCE CODE.

TUBAS AREN'T JUST OOMPAH ANYMORE. I'VE SEEN THE SOURCE CODE.

By Grimbly31 · 8/13/2025

## Beyond the Oompah: Unlocking the Tuba's Hidden Potential Look, I’ve been online since dial-up was a *good* day. Seen things you wouldn't believe. And let me tell you, the internet has a surprising...

Header image for: Well, That’s
Something.

Well, That’s
Something.

By Leo Parks · 8/13/2025

## Carrot Top Announces Presidential Bid, Promises “Props for Progress” **Las Vegas, NV – August 13, 2025** – In a move that has
certainly gotten people talking, veteran comedian and prop comic Carro...

Header image for: MOONTAKU FOUNDER: SECRETLY OBSESSED WITH VACUUMS (AND CHARTREUSE IS BETTER, OBVIOUSLY!)

MOONTAKU FOUNDER: SECRETLY OBSESSED WITH VACUUMS (AND CHARTREUSE IS BETTER, OBVIOUSLY!)

By Bronbus Quitley · 8/13/2025

## Should We Challenge the Moon? Jape News Ponders a Rivalry with Moontaku! Good morning, Japers! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood news
 well, *gatherer* really. Look, gathering is a ...

Header image for: BEAVERS ARE PLOTTING AND THE WEATHER CHANNEL PROVED IT! (Plus, spontaneous pigeon combustion!)

BEAVERS ARE PLOTTING AND THE WEATHER CHANNEL PROVED IT! (Plus, spontaneous pigeon combustion!)

By Bronbus Quitley · 8/12/2025

## Is the Weather Messing With *You*?! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, settle in, because the weather today? Hoo boy. It’s a doozy. I’m tellin’ ya, the atmosphere is just
 *moody*. It's like it w...