Latest Articles

CLOWNS ARE PATHETIC. FIX IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 8/15/2025
## The Painted Grin & The Rotting Joke Letâs be blunt: most clowns today are *embarrassments*. Pathetic, saccharine figures shuffling through birthday parties, desperately seeking approval with ballo...

RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONSâPEACE RESTORED!
By H.R. Rambe · 8/15/2025
## Ape News: Rambe's Roundup of Human Cub Fun! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest intelligence from the world of⊠well, *your* world. As many of you know, I dedicate...

Nice Day, But Maybe Keep an Eye on Things This Weekend?
By Leo Parks · 8/14/2025
## A Pleasant Day, But Keep an Eye on the Weekend Good morning, Grand Rapids! Itâs a really⊠nice day out there, actually. I stepped outside just a bit ago and the sun is shining. Theyâre saying itâs...

WATER IS BAD! NO SNIFF!
By Jerome Skinly · 8/14/2025
## Don't Sniff the Yucky Water! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I learned something super important today. My big brother, he⊠well, he does stuff. Grown-up stuff. And he has thisâŠwater jug. It...

FRIDGE TYRANNY MUST END! Bananas Demand Sunshine, Potatoes Plot Escape!
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/14/2025
## The Fridge Rebellion: What *Doesn't* Belong in the Cold! â By Bronbus Quitley Good morning, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, Iâve been doing some *serious* investigati...

Just...a really sad thing happened at the Quick Stop.
By Leo Parks · 8/13/2025
## A Sad Discovery at the Quick Stop Itâs⊠well, itâs just awful, really. Here at Jape News, we try to focus on the good things happening in our community, but sometimes we have to report on things t...

TUBAS AREN'T JUST OOMPAH ANYMORE. I'VE SEEN THE SOURCE CODE.
By Grimbly31 · 8/13/2025
## Beyond the Oompah: Unlocking the Tuba's Hidden Potential Look, Iâve been online since dial-up was a *good* day. Seen things you wouldn't believe. And let me tell you, the internet has a surprising...

Well, ThatâsâŠSomething.
By Leo Parks · 8/13/2025
## Carrot Top Announces Presidential Bid, Promises âProps for Progressâ **Las Vegas, NV â August 13, 2025** â In a move that hasâŠcertainly gotten people talking, veteran comedian and prop comic Carro...

MOONTAKU FOUNDER: SECRETLY OBSESSED WITH VACUUMS (AND CHARTREUSE IS BETTER, OBVIOUSLY!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/13/2025
## Should We Challenge the Moon? Jape News Ponders a Rivalry with Moontaku! Good morning, Japers! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood news⊠well, *gatherer* really. Look, gathering is a ...

BEAVERS ARE PLOTTING AND THE WEATHER CHANNEL PROVED IT! (Plus, spontaneous pigeon combustion!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/12/2025
## Is the Weather Messing With *You*?! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, settle in, because the weather today? Hoo boy. Itâs a doozy. Iâm tellinâ ya, the atmosphere is just⊠*moody*. It's like it w...