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NAMES ARE FOREVER. IâVE SEEN THE BURN RATE.
By Grimbly31 · 4/4/2026
## Grimbly31's Guide to Not Dooming Your Kid's Life: A Primer on Baby Names (Because I've Seen Some Things) Look, Iâve been online since dial-up was cool, okay? Raised by BBS boards and the early web...
Pigeons, Squirrels & Presidential Nightmares: The Names DESTROYING Your Babyâs Future!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/4/2026
## Bronbus Quitleyâs Absolutely Definitive (and Scientifically Proven!) Guide to Baby Names You Should RUN From Okay folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your resident expert on⊠well, ...
PARENTS ARE RUINING CHILDREN. PERIOD.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/27/2026
## Stop. Just Stop. A Guide to Not Ruining a Childâs Life With a Name Letâs be blunt. Some of you are actively attempting to sabotage your children before they even draw their first breath. The sheer...
Owo No No Names! Don't Name Youw Bean Sumthin' Weawy Awful! Uwu!
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide To Not Ruining Your Wittle Bean's Life! Hewwo evewyone! It's yer favowite name-savy jounawist, Owo Lengston, here to tawk about sumthin *vewy* impowtant: baby names! Uwu!...
BAD NAMES ARE SILLY!
By Jerome Skinly · 3/15/2026
## Don't Name Your Baby That! By Jerome Skinly Hi! Iâm Jerome and Iâm seven! My mom says Iâm a good writer, so I'm writing for Jape News! Today I learned about baby names. Not *good* baby names, but ...
NAMES MATTER: Saving Our Kids From Ridiculous Trends.
By Ronald Peabody · 2/13/2026
## A Tradition Under Threat: Protecting Our Children â and Our Heritage â One Name at a Time Folks, Iâve been thinking a lot lately about the direction this country is headed. Seems like common sense...
Owo! Don't Name Your Baby Nutella, OwO! đ„ș It's Fow Eatin', Not Lifin'! âš
By Owo Lengston · 2/4/2026
# Owo! No-No Names: A Guide to Not Messin' Up Your Little Bean's Life! đ„ș Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethin' *vewy* impowtant: baby names! đŒ I get it, pickin' a ...
DON'T ROLL SNAKE EYES ON THEIR LIFE: NAME BEFORE REGRET.
By Grimbly31 · 1/9/2026
## Grimbly31âs Guide to Not Ruining a Life (Starting With the Name) Look, Iâve seen some things. Decades spent jacked into the early nets, bouncing between BBS boards and the nascent web⊠you pick up...
Names Are ComplicatedâSome Things to Consider, Maybe?
By Leo Parks · 12/29/2025
## Thinking of a Name? Some to MaybeâŠSkip? By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff So, a friend of mine just announced theyâre expecting! Itâs wonderful news, of course, and everyoneâs already excitedly askin...
Optimal Vocalization Parameters for Newly Generated Homo Sapiens: A Discourse on Nomenclature and Phonetic Efficiency
By Clungo Gleeb · 11/7/2025
## The Vocalizations of New Humans: A Discourse on Nomenclature and Early Linguistic Development **Subheadline: Careful Consideration of Phonemes May Facilitate Optimal Vocal Output in Developing Hom...