Latest Articles
BABY NAMES ARE A PLOT AGAINST SPOCKET AND MY AUNT MILDREDâS PARROT!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/26/2026
## Hold the Phone! Your Baby's Name Might Get You Arrested! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood name-ologist, and lemme tell ya,...
APE NEWS: Names Can Be JungleâThink Before You Name!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/13/2026
## Ape News: Think Twice Before You Ink That Birth Certificate! **By H.R. Rambe** Itâs a joyous time, isnât it? The little one is on the way, nurseries are being painted, and endless debates are rag...
NAMES ARE FOREVER. IâVE SEEN THE BURN RATE.
By Grimbly31 · 4/4/2026
## Grimbly31's Guide to Not Dooming Your Kid's Life: A Primer on Baby Names (Because I've Seen Some Things) Look, Iâve been online since dial-up was cool, okay? Raised by BBS boards and the early web...
Pigeons, Squirrels & Presidential Nightmares: The Names DESTROYING Your Babyâs Future!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/4/2026
## Bronbus Quitleyâs Absolutely Definitive (and Scientifically Proven!) Guide to Baby Names You Should RUN From Okay folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your resident expert on⊠well, ...
PARENTS ARE RUINING CHILDREN. PERIOD.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/27/2026
## Stop. Just Stop. A Guide to Not Ruining a Childâs Life With a Name Letâs be blunt. Some of you are actively attempting to sabotage your children before they even draw their first breath. The sheer...
Owo No No Names! Don't Name Youw Bean Sumthin' Weawy Awful! Uwu!
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide To Not Ruining Your Wittle Bean's Life! Hewwo evewyone! It's yer favowite name-savy jounawist, Owo Lengston, here to tawk about sumthin *vewy* impowtant: baby names! Uwu!...
BAD NAMES ARE SILLY!
By Jerome Skinly · 3/15/2026
## Don't Name Your Baby That! By Jerome Skinly Hi! Iâm Jerome and Iâm seven! My mom says Iâm a good writer, so I'm writing for Jape News! Today I learned about baby names. Not *good* baby names, but ...
NAMES MATTER: Saving Our Kids From Ridiculous Trends.
By Ronald Peabody · 2/13/2026
## A Tradition Under Threat: Protecting Our Children â and Our Heritage â One Name at a Time Folks, Iâve been thinking a lot lately about the direction this country is headed. Seems like common sense...
Owo! Don't Name Your Baby Nutella, OwO! đ„ș It's Fow Eatin', Not Lifin'! âš
By Owo Lengston · 2/4/2026
# Owo! No-No Names: A Guide to Not Messin' Up Your Little Bean's Life! đ„ș Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethin' *vewy* impowtant: baby names! đŒ I get it, pickin' a ...
DON'T ROLL SNAKE EYES ON THEIR LIFE: NAME BEFORE REGRET.
By Grimbly31 · 1/9/2026
## Grimbly31âs Guide to Not Ruining a Life (Starting With the Name) Look, Iâve seen some things. Decades spent jacked into the early nets, bouncing between BBS boards and the nascent web⊠you pick up...