Latest Articles
BABY NAMES ARE A PLOT AGAINST SPOCKET AND MY AUNT MILDRED’S PARROT!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/26/2026
## Hold the Phone! Your Baby's Name Might Get You Arrested! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood name-ologist, and lemme tell ya,...
APE NEWS: Names Can Be Jungle—Think Before You Name!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/13/2026
## Ape News: Think Twice Before You Ink That Birth Certificate! **By H.R. Rambe** It’s a joyous time, isn’t it? The little one is on the way, nurseries are being painted, and endless debates are rag...
NAMES ARE FOREVER. I’VE SEEN THE BURN RATE.
By Grimbly31 · 4/4/2026
## Grimbly31's Guide to Not Dooming Your Kid's Life: A Primer on Baby Names (Because I've Seen Some Things) Look, I’ve been online since dial-up was cool, okay? Raised by BBS boards and the early web...
Pigeons, Squirrels & Presidential Nightmares: The Names DESTROYING Your Baby’s Future!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/4/2026
## Bronbus Quitley’s Absolutely Definitive (and Scientifically Proven!) Guide to Baby Names You Should RUN From Okay folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your resident expert on… well, ...
PARENTS ARE RUINING CHILDREN. PERIOD.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/27/2026
## Stop. Just Stop. A Guide to Not Ruining a Child’s Life With a Name Let’s be blunt. Some of you are actively attempting to sabotage your children before they even draw their first breath. The sheer...
Owo No No Names! Don't Name Youw Bean Sumthin' Weawy Awful! Uwu!
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide To Not Ruining Your Wittle Bean's Life! Hewwo evewyone! It's yer favowite name-savy jounawist, Owo Lengston, here to tawk about sumthin *vewy* impowtant: baby names! Uwu!...
BAD NAMES ARE SILLY!
By Jerome Skinly · 3/15/2026
## Don't Name Your Baby That! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I’m Jerome and I’m seven! My mom says I’m a good writer, so I'm writing for Jape News! Today I learned about baby names. Not *good* baby names, but ...
NAMES BROKEN: THEY DON'T LET YOU CALL 'EM ANYTHING ANYMORE.
By Grimbly31 · 3/9/2026
## Grimbly’s Guide to Not Getting Your Kiddo Denied at the Registry Look, I’ve seen things. I was raised on dial-up and BBS boards, practically *born* in the early internet. I've witnessed handles ev...
NO NAME BUTT!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/20/2026
## Names You Should NOT Pick! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I'm seven! My mom is having a baby soon and we are picking a name. But my mom showed me a list of names you SHOULDN'T use. It was a R...
NAMES MATTER: Saving Our Kids From Ridiculous Trends.
By Ronald Peabody · 2/13/2026
## A Tradition Under Threat: Protecting Our Children – and Our Heritage – One Name at a Time Folks, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the direction this country is headed. Seems like common sense...