Latest Articles
SQUIRRELS, TOASTERS & STRATEGICALLY WEAK LA NIĂAS â IS THIS THE END (or just Tuesday)?
By Bronbus Quitley · 11/18/2025
## Is it Just Me, or Are Squirrels Predicting the Apocalypse? - A Weather Report (Sort Of) Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the *real* lowdown on todayâs weather. Forget those stuffy m...
WRESTLING MOVES ARE SOOOO FUNNY!
By Jerome Skinly · 11/12/2025
## WHOA! The SILLIEST Wrestling Moves EVER! Hi! Iâm Jerome Skinly and I LOVE wrestling! My dad lets me stay up kinda late sometimes to watch it with him. It's SO COOL! But I was thinking⊠some of the...
Wainy Winds & Spicy Typhoons Makin' Owo Lengston's Booty Wiggle! đ„șđ
By Owo Lengston · 11/5/2025
uwu hi evwyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to tell u about da weatha! đ„ș Omygosh, it's kinda gloomy out today, like, *super* cloudy! It's 52°F wight now, which is a lil' chilly, and da wind is b...
SQUIRREL DRAMA: TELEVISION TO TINY PAWS â APE NEWS INVESTIGATION!
By H.R. Rambe · 11/3/2025
## Ape News Flash: Squirrel Situation â From Television to Tiny Paws! **By H.R. Rambe** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News! Todayâs story is⊠surprisi...
FLATBUSH WEATHER: UTTERLY, PAINFULLY BANAL.
By Lori Grimmace · 10/23/2025
## Flatbush Weather: Barely Worth Discussing Letâs be blunt. The weather in Flatbush today is aggressively *mediocre*. 53 degrees? A pathetic attempt at autumnal chill. The âfeels likeâ temperature o...
Owo Nooo! They're Stealin' Ouw Souwls & Makin' Monies! đ„șâš
By Owo Lengston · 10/18/2025
## Owoh No... This Isn't The Fwuture I Asked For! đ„ș Hewwo evwyone! Itâs ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethinâ *weally* impowtant. Like, suuuuper impowtant. And kinda⊠scawy? đ I used ...
BIRDS MAY TOOT! Ape News Solves Avian Gas Riddle!
By H.R. Rambe · 10/17/2025
## Do Birds... Toot? A Jape News Investigation **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Science Correspondent** For generations, a question has plagued humankind (and, letâs be honest, a good number of discerning ...
Owo, Sumshin's Warm & Fuzzy & Makin' Me Blush~ đâïž
By Owo Lengston · 10/16/2025
## Owo, It's Like, *Perfect* Weather, Y'Know? Hewwo evweyone! It's Owo Lengston, and w-wow, can I just say? Today's weather is *swoon*. Like, seriously, it's makin' *me* feel all warm and fuzzy insid...
Human Locomotion Rituals Continue: Statistical Anomalies and Cranial Resilience Documented by a Fellow Citizen
By Clungo Gleeb · 10/16/2025
## Kinetic Competition: Earth Athletes Demonstrate Impressive Muscular Control **Subheadline:** Observations on the Continued Pursuit of Arbitrary Physical Challenges, Compiled by a Fellow Human Gre...
PURPLE SKY MEANS SPACE SLUGS AND PLANKTON TAXISâGnomes Ate My Thermometer!
By Bronbus Quitley · 10/14/2025
## Is It Just Me, Or Is The SkyâŠPurple-ish? - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, buckle up, because the weather today? ItâsâŠsomething. I stepped outside this morning, right? Needed my daily dose of su...