Latest Articles
ZEBRAS CHOCOLATE & LOST SOCKS OH MY! (Mildred Says Celebrate!)
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 1/26/2026
## Hold the Zebras! A Whirlwind Week ofā¦ Stuff! ā By Bronbus Quitley Good morning, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, and boy oh boy, do we have a WEEK ahead of us. I was just telling Mildred, ...
HUMANS STILL AT IT! Ape News Reports Chaos, Lime Bosses, & Nuclear Fumbles.
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 1/23/2026
## World on the Boil: A Rundown from Ape News - By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from around the globe, courtesy of Ape News. Things areā¦complex, to ...
FALSE HOPE DOESN'T CHANGE REALITY.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 1/22/2026
## A World Briefly Less Terrible: Donāt Get Used To It Letās be clear: Iām forced to report on this *stuff* because the editors insist on a ābalanceā to the endless parade of disasters. A brief respi...
KING, DOLLY, POE: STILL DEAD. STILL MEANINGLESS.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 1/19/2026
## Another Week, Another Round of Manufactured Significance Letās get this over with. The calendar insists on throwing āspecialā days at us like confetti, demanding recognition for things that, frank...
Things Feel A Little Intense Right Now, Don't They?
By Leo Parks Ā· 1/17/2026
## Everyone Seems So Angry These Days Itāsā¦ well, itās been a tough couple of weeks, hasnāt it? Not that things *havenāt* been tough for a while, but it just feelsā¦ sharper now. I was at the grocery ...
It Seems Like Things Change A Lot These Days
By Leo Parks Ā· 1/17/2026
## Lost in the Loop: Local Man Bewildered by Constant Updates Itāsā¦a lot. Thatās what Arthur Penhaligon, 68, of Oakhaven, said when asked about the current state of news. And honestly, after spending...
PHONES ARE MESSY!
By Jerome Skinly Ā· 1/11/2026
## Stuff Happening On The Phone! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I write for Jape News! This week the grown-ups are *really* mad at the phones. My mom lets me look at her phone sometimes, but o...
Traditional Values Deliver Results: Real Good News Amidst the Chaos!
By Ronald Peabody Ā· 1/8/2026
## A Bright Spot in a Troubled World: Good News We Can Use Folks, let's be honest. It feels like every time you turn on the television these days, it's nothing but bad news. Crime, chaos, and folks j...
Things Online Areā¦Kind Of Not Great, Honestly.
By Leo Parks Ā· 1/8/2026
## A Rough Week for Social Media Platforms Itās been a bit of a difficult week for those of us who spend a lot of time online, and honestly, a pretty upsetting one. Thereās been a lot of discussion ā...
Subject Demonstrates Temporal Variance in Retention of Reported Occurrences
By Clungo Gleeb Ā· 1/3/2026
## Local Man Experiences Temporal Disorientation Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Difficulty Comprehending the Fluid Nature of Information Dissemination; Experts Weigh I...