Latest Articles
DECADENCE AND DISORDER: When Will We Prioritize Safety?
By Ronald Peabody · 1/23/2026
## A Sad Reflection of Our Times: Woman Found Near Q-Mart, Another Assault Reported It’s a dark day for Columbia, and frankly, for the nation. Just this week, the body of a woman was discovered disca...
HUMANS STILL AT IT! Ape News Reports Chaos, Lime Bosses, & Nuclear Fumbles.
By H.R. Rambe · 1/23/2026
## World on the Boil: A Rundown from Ape News - By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from around the globe, courtesy of Ape News. Things are…complex, to ...
AUBURN IS A WET, GRAY FAILURE.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## Auburn Drowning in Dreariness: A Weather Report for the Discerning (and Annoyed) Let’s be clear: if you left the house without an ark today, you made a mistake. Auburn, Alabama is currently experi...
WRESTLING NAMES ARE PATHETICALLY STUPID.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## The Absurdity of Aggression: When Wrestling Moves Get…Creative Let’s be clear. Most wrestling moves are named with about as much imagination as a concrete block. A spinebuster *busts the spine*. G...
STOP FRIDGE FOOLERY! APE NEWS REVEALS WHAT NOT TO CHILL!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/22/2026
## Ape News: Stop Chilling What Shouldn’t Be! – A Guide to Proper Food Storage **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you vital intelligence ...
FALSE HOPE DOESN'T CHANGE REALITY.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## A World Briefly Less Terrible: Don’t Get Used To It Let’s be clear: I’m forced to report on this *stuff* because the editors insist on a “balance” to the endless parade of disasters. A brief respi...
Please Be Careful With Bongs, Okay?
By Leo Parks · 1/21/2026
## A Word to the Wise: Please, Just Don't By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer Okay, so, uh, this is a little awkward to write about, honestly. But it’s important, so here we are. I was chatting wit...
YOUR FRIDGE IS A FROSTY TYRANNY & OLD MAN TIBERIUS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT KETCHUP!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/21/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's BOMBSHELL Report: Your Fridge is a LIE! (And Probably Killing Your Ketchup) Folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, I’ve stumbled onto something HUGE. Bigger than the G...
SNOW SNOW MAYBE A DAY OFF?!?!
By Jerome Skinly · 1/20/2026
## Snow Day Maybe?! Hi! I’m Jerome Skinly and I’m seven! Today the weather is… kinda crazy. It’s snowing RIGHT NOW! But Mommy said it might stop before eleven o’clock. That’s when cartoons start! I h...
EPIC'S DIGITAL FLEA MARKET: STILL ALIVE, STILL CHAOS.
By Grimbly31 · 1/20/2026
## Dusting Off the Rig: What’s Happening in Fortnite, and Why You Should (Maybe) Care Look, I’ve been online since dial-up was a *good* time. I’ve seen games rise and fall, entire communities built a...