Latest Articles
A Compendium of Temporal Markers: Navigating the Weekâs Designated Commemorations with Human Solidarity
By Clungo Gleeb · 8/18/2025
## A Convergence of Terrestrial Observances: Navigating the Week's Rituals **A compendium of scheduled commemorations, both solemn and whimsical, for the discerning human.** It is with a sense of sh...
BIRDS NO TOOT! APE NEWS FINDS TRUTH!
By H.R. Rambe · 8/18/2025
## Do Birds Toot? Ape News Investigates! **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Science Correspondent** For ages, a question has plagued ornithologists, puzzled picnickers, and frankly, occupied *my* considerabl...
Things FeelâŠA Little Overwhelming, Honestly.
By Leo Parks · 8/17/2025
## This Isn't the Future I Asked For It feelsâŠloud. Not with sound, exactly, though the endless notifications certainly contribute. Itâs a *fullness*, a constant pressure ofâŠeverything. I remember wh...
Maybe Some Snowboarding Tips If You're Interested?
By Leo Parks · 8/17/2025
## Level Up Your Ride: A Guide to Ten Snowboard Tricks for Every Skill Level So, youâre hitting the slopes this season? Thatâs great! But maybe youâre thinking, âOkay, I can *get down* the hill⊠now ...
LIZARDS, COMMUNISM & YOUR CHARITY: Is Your Kindness a Government PLOT?!
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/16/2025
## Are Your Charities *Really* Charities? The Shocking Truth About⊠Well, Everything! **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Investigative Reporter (and Expert on⊠Stuff)** Okay, folks, buckle up. You thin...
GAMES GAMES GAMES SO MANY!
By Jerome Skinly · 8/16/2025
## So Many Games! (By Jerome Skinly) Hi! Iâm Jerome and I like video games! Thereâs SO MUCH happening right now, my mom said I could write about it for Jape News! Itâs kinda hard to keep up! First, ...
CLOWNS ARE PATHETIC. FIX IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 8/15/2025
## The Painted Grin & The Rotting Joke Letâs be blunt: most clowns today are *embarrassments*. Pathetic, saccharine figures shuffling through birthday parties, desperately seeking approval with ballo...
RAMBE FINDS HUMAN CUB DISTRACTIONSâPEACE RESTORED!
By H.R. Rambe · 8/15/2025
## Ape News: Rambe's Roundup of Human Cub Fun! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest intelligence from the world of⊠well, *your* world. As many of you know, I dedicate...
Nice Day, But Maybe Keep an Eye on Things This Weekend?
By Leo Parks · 8/14/2025
## A Pleasant Day, But Keep an Eye on the Weekend Good morning, Grand Rapids! Itâs a really⊠nice day out there, actually. I stepped outside just a bit ago and the sun is shining. Theyâre saying itâs...
WATER IS BAD! NO SNIFF!
By Jerome Skinly · 8/14/2025
## Don't Sniff the Yucky Water! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I learned something super important today. My big brother, he⊠well, he does stuff. Grown-up stuff. And he has thisâŠwater jug. It...