Latest Articles
Owo! Don't Name Your Baby Nutella, OwO! 🥺 It's Fow Eatin', Not Lifin'! ✨
By Owo Lengston · 2/4/2026
# Owo! No-No Names: A Guide to Not Messin' Up Your Little Bean's Life! 🥺 Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethin' *vewy* impowtant: baby names! 🍼 I get it, pickin' a ...
ROBOCOP & RAINY HENDERSON: NAME YOUR KIDS BEFORE THE INTERNET RUINS THEM.
By Grimbly31 · 2/3/2026
## Grimbly31's Guide to Not Totally Screwing Up Your Kid's Name Alright, listen up, fresh meat. Grimbly31 here. I’ve seen things. I’ve *been* things, technically. Raised by dial-up, BBS boards, and t...
BABIES NEED GRABS NOT PHONES!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/2/2026
## Babies and Shiny Phones? By Jerome Skinly Hi! I’m Jerome and I’m seven. My teacher, Miss Lily, said I could write for the news! Today I wanna talk about babies and… iPhones. My cousin Leo just had...
DRAGONS, LEGO & SLIME OH MY! Toys Are Taking Over & I Haven't Slept Since '83!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/31/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: Toy Mania Sweeps the Nation! (And Possibly Other Nations, Too!) Good mornin’, folks! Bronbus Quitley here, live from… well, my kitchen table, but the energy is *electric*!...
GRAND RAPIDS PROVES THEY'RE REAL (Plus Squirrels in Hats!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/28/2026
## Bronbus Quitley’s Guide to Keeping Those… *Children* Occupied (And Proving They’re Real!) Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, raising kids is… a journey. A really, *really* lon...
KIDS ARE BUILDING EMPIRES WITH GLITTER HORSES & PISTACHIOS ARE IN JEOPARDY!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/27/2026
## Hold the Phone! Are Kids… Different Now? (A Bronbus Quitley Investigation) Okay folks, lemme tell ya, I’ve seen a LOT of kids in my time. Used to be, a kid’s biggest worry was getting enough marbl...
The Lexical Burden: Ensuring Optimal Nomenclature for Developing Humans
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/17/2026
## The Nomenclature Landscape: Navigating the Perils of Infantile Designation **Subheadline:** A Fellow Human’s Guide to Avoiding Societal Discomfort Through Prudent Lexical Selection for Developing ...
YOUNG HUMANS DITCH SHINE FOR MUD, AI & TINY TRIBES – Ape News Reports!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/16/2026
## The Young Primate Pack: What’s REALLY Happening With Today’s Kids - A Dispatch From Ape News **By H.R. Rambe, Senior Correspondent, Ape News (or, as we call it, Ape News)** Greetings, fellow prim...
Owo! Gwandi Wapids Wif Smol Humies = So Much Fun & Maybe a Nap Fow You? 😉✨
By Owo Lengston · 1/16/2026
## Owo! Grand Rapids Fun Wif Ur Smol Humies! ✨ Hewwo evwyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to hewp you plan sum *weawwy* good times wif yer totally human childwens! It can be hawd, wight? Dey need...
BIRTHDAY PARTIES GONE WILD: It's Time Parents Reassert Control!
By Ronald Peabody · 1/14/2026
## Keeping the Chaos Contained: A Parent’s Guide to Birthday Party No-Nos It’s that time of year again. January. The tail end of the holiday season, and the beginning of… birthday season. Seems every...