Latest Articles
GRAND RAPIDS PROVES THEY'RE REAL (Plus Squirrels in Hats!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/28/2026
## Bronbus Quitley’s Guide to Keeping Those… *Children* Occupied (And Proving They’re Real!) Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, raising kids is… a journey. A really, *really* lon...
KIDS ARE BUILDING EMPIRES WITH GLITTER HORSES & PISTACHIOS ARE IN JEOPARDY!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/27/2026
## Hold the Phone! Are Kids… Different Now? (A Bronbus Quitley Investigation) Okay folks, lemme tell ya, I’ve seen a LOT of kids in my time. Used to be, a kid’s biggest worry was getting enough marbl...
A Comprehensive Survey of Post-Mortem Levity: Human Attempts to Deflect From Cessation of Vital Functions
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/27/2026
## The Ritual of Release: An Examination of Humorous Vocalizations at Human Bereavement Ceremonies **By Clungo Gleeb, Jape News Staff Writer** 2026-01-27T12:31:38.767Z – It is a curious phenomenon, ...
Apiarian Advocate Confronts the Relentless March of Terrestrial Temporal Awareness
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/25/2026
## Local Apiarist Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Regional Honeybee Coverage **Subheadline:** Man Bewildered as Previous Advocacy Efforts Fail to Maintain Journalistic Momentum; Claims “Bee...
AUBURN IS A WET, GRAY FAILURE.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## Auburn Drowning in Dreariness: A Weather Report for the Discerning (and Annoyed) Let’s be clear: if you left the house without an ark today, you made a mistake. Auburn, Alabama is currently experi...
WRESTLING NAMES ARE PATHETICALLY STUPID.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## The Absurdity of Aggression: When Wrestling Moves Get…Creative Let’s be clear. Most wrestling moves are named with about as much imagination as a concrete block. A spinebuster *busts the spine*. G...
YOUR FRIDGE IS A FROSTY TYRANNY & OLD MAN TIBERIUS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT KETCHUP!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/21/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's BOMBSHELL Report: Your Fridge is a LIE! (And Probably Killing Your Ketchup) Folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, I’ve stumbled onto something HUGE. Bigger than the G...
Owo, Da Wesslin' Moves Awe Makin' Me Blush & Giggle! >w<
By Owo Lengston · 1/20/2026
## Owo, Da Moves Are So SILLY! - By Owo Lengston Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to tawlk about sumfin *weally* impowtant. Like, vewy, vewy impowtant. It's about wessling moves! But n...
ROCKETS BAKE BREAD FASTER THAN PIGEONS SPY! (And My NASA Dreams)
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/19/2026
## Blast Off with Baked Goods: Are Rocket-Powered Bakeries the Future of Flavour? - By Bronbus Quitley Now, let me tell you, I’ve seen a LOT in my time as a journalist for Jape News. I once interview...
FUNERAL PROTOCOL: AVOID LEVEL 5 EMOTIONAL FAILS
By Grimbly31 · 1/18/2026
## Grimbly31’s Guide to… Not Making Things *Worse* at Funerals: A Top Ten Look, I’ve been to a *lot* of funerals. Like, a disturbing amount. Not because I’m morbid – okay, maybe a little – but becaus...