Latest Articles
WOMEN IN TWASH?! MY HEAWT CAN'T TAKE IT! needs cuddles and a warm placeđ„ș
By Owo Lengston · 1/24/2026
## O-Oh Noes! Two W-Women Found in Trash?! *hides face* Hewwo evewyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston hewe, and I have some vewy, vewy sad newsies. Itâs makinâ my wittle heawt huwt, it is! *sniffles* F-F...
DECADENCE AND DISORDER: When Will We Prioritize Safety?
By Ronald Peabody · 1/23/2026
## A Sad Reflection of Our Times: Woman Found Near Q-Mart, Another Assault Reported Itâs a dark day for Columbia, and frankly, for the nation. Just this week, the body of a woman was discovered disca...
HUMANS STILL AT IT! Ape News Reports Chaos, Lime Bosses, & Nuclear Fumbles.
By H.R. Rambe · 1/23/2026
## World on the Boil: A Rundown from Ape News - By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from around the globe, courtesy of Ape News. Things areâŠcomplex, to ...
AUBURN IS A WET, GRAY FAILURE.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## Auburn Drowning in Dreariness: A Weather Report for the Discerning (and Annoyed) Letâs be clear: if you left the house without an ark today, you made a mistake. Auburn, Alabama is currently experi...
WRESTLING NAMES ARE PATHETICALLY STUPID.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## The Absurdity of Aggression: When Wrestling Moves GetâŠCreative Letâs be clear. Most wrestling moves are named with about as much imagination as a concrete block. A spinebuster *busts the spine*. G...
STOP FRIDGE FOOLERY! APE NEWS REVEALS WHAT NOT TO CHILL!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/22/2026
## Ape News: Stop Chilling What Shouldnât Be! â A Guide to Proper Food Storage **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you vital intelligence ...
FALSE HOPE DOESN'T CHANGE REALITY.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## A World Briefly Less Terrible: Donât Get Used To It Letâs be clear: Iâm forced to report on this *stuff* because the editors insist on a âbalanceâ to the endless parade of disasters. A brief respi...
Please Be Careful With Bongs, Okay?
By Leo Parks · 1/21/2026
## A Word to the Wise: Please, Just Don't By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer Okay, so, uh, this is a little awkward to write about, honestly. But itâs important, so here we are. I was chatting wit...
YOUR FRIDGE IS A FROSTY TYRANNY & OLD MAN TIBERIUS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT KETCHUP!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/21/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's BOMBSHELL Report: Your Fridge is a LIE! (And Probably Killing Your Ketchup) Folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, Iâve stumbled onto something HUGE. Bigger than the G...
SNOW SNOW MAYBE A DAY OFF?!?!
By Jerome Skinly · 1/20/2026
## Snow Day Maybe?! Hi! Iâm Jerome Skinly and Iâm seven! Today the weather is⊠kinda crazy. Itâs snowing RIGHT NOW! But Mommy said it might stop before eleven oâclock. Thatâs when cartoons start! I h...