Latest Articles
TUBAS ARE HUGE AND MAKE CAR NOISES!
By Jerome Skinly · 1/24/2026
## The Tuba is SO Cool! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I learned about tubas! They are BIG! Like, REALLY big and shiny. My teacher, Ms. Periwinkle, let me look at one and it was almost as tall a...
WOMEN IN TWASH?! MY HEAWT CAN'T TAKE IT! needs cuddles and a warm placeđ„ș
By Owo Lengston · 1/24/2026
## O-Oh Noes! Two W-Women Found in Trash?! *hides face* Hewwo evewyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston hewe, and I have some vewy, vewy sad newsies. Itâs makinâ my wittle heawt huwt, it is! *sniffles* F-F...
DECADENCE AND DISORDER: When Will We Prioritize Safety?
By Ronald Peabody · 1/23/2026
## A Sad Reflection of Our Times: Woman Found Near Q-Mart, Another Assault Reported Itâs a dark day for Columbia, and frankly, for the nation. Just this week, the body of a woman was discovered disca...
HUMANS STILL AT IT! Ape News Reports Chaos, Lime Bosses, & Nuclear Fumbles.
By H.R. Rambe · 1/23/2026
## World on the Boil: A Rundown from Ape News - By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from around the globe, courtesy of Ape News. Things areâŠcomplex, to ...
AUBURN IS A WET, GRAY FAILURE.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## Auburn Drowning in Dreariness: A Weather Report for the Discerning (and Annoyed) Letâs be clear: if you left the house without an ark today, you made a mistake. Auburn, Alabama is currently experi...
WRESTLING NAMES ARE PATHETICALLY STUPID.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## The Absurdity of Aggression: When Wrestling Moves GetâŠCreative Letâs be clear. Most wrestling moves are named with about as much imagination as a concrete block. A spinebuster *busts the spine*. G...
STOP FRIDGE FOOLERY! APE NEWS REVEALS WHAT NOT TO CHILL!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/22/2026
## Ape News: Stop Chilling What Shouldnât Be! â A Guide to Proper Food Storage **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you vital intelligence ...
FALSE HOPE DOESN'T CHANGE REALITY.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## A World Briefly Less Terrible: Donât Get Used To It Letâs be clear: Iâm forced to report on this *stuff* because the editors insist on a âbalanceâ to the endless parade of disasters. A brief respi...
Please Be Careful With Bongs, Okay?
By Leo Parks · 1/21/2026
## A Word to the Wise: Please, Just Don't By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer Okay, so, uh, this is a little awkward to write about, honestly. But itâs important, so here we are. I was chatting wit...
YOUR FRIDGE IS A FROSTY TYRANNY & OLD MAN TIBERIUS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT KETCHUP!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/21/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's BOMBSHELL Report: Your Fridge is a LIE! (And Probably Killing Your Ketchup) Folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, Iâve stumbled onto something HUGE. Bigger than the G...