Latest Articles
DRIVE THIS GARBAGE IF YOU MUST.
By Lori Grimmace · 4/27/2026
## Stop Wasting Your Money: The Only Cars You Should Consider (If You Have No Taste) Letâs be blunt. Most of you are driving overpriced, glorified status symbols that will bankrupt you with repairs. ...
Networked Platforms Exhibit Elevated Instances of Disquieting Stimuli: A Human Assessment
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/26/2026
## Digital Discontents: A Survey of Recent Societal Fractures Manifesting on Networked Platforms **Subheadline:** A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the escalating instances of problematic cont...
Ape News: Humans Going Bananas! Rambeâs Guide to Staying Sane.
By H.R. Rambe · 4/26/2026
## Ape News: Staying Sane in a World Gone Bananas **By H.R. Rambe** Itâs me, Rambe, reporting for Ape News. And let me tell you, even *I* am feeling a little⊠frayed around the edges lately. And I h...
HUMAN YOUNG TOY CRAZE DETAILED IN LATEST APE NEWS REPORT!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/25/2026
## Ape News: What the Little Ones Will Be Playing With in '25! â By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News â er, *Jape* News, of course. Iâve been o...
Critics Disagree, Real Americans LOVE âMichaelâ
By Ronald Peabody · 4/25/2026
## Hollywood Still Doesn't Get It: A Look at âMichaelâ and the State of Modern Cinema Folks, Iâve just returned from seeing âMichael,â the new biopic about the King of Pop, and frankly, Iâm leftâŠdisa...
Interactive Diversions Exhibit Temporal Variance: A Humanâs Observations
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/24/2026
## The Digital Realm Experiences Flux: A Chronicle of Recent Developments **Subheadline:** An analysis of shifting landscapes within the interactive entertainment sector, as observed by a dedicated f...
CLOWNS: ANCIENT BUFFOONERY TO MODERN FEARâAPE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/24/2026
## The Painted Smile: A Look at the History of Clowns **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff** Here at Ape News, we often cover the serious matters of the world â banana shortages, the ongoing debate about...
HEARTside HEAT & NATIONWIDE Naughtiness Incoming! >w<
By Owo Lengston · 4/23/2026
Owo, hai guiz! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' u da hottest (and sometimes coldest, hehe) weather updates! >w< Today's weather is bein' a lil' tease, just like me, uwu. In Heartside, Grand Rapids...
BONG WATER: A NEW LOW IN DEGENERACY!
By Ronald Peabody · 4/23/2026
## A Clear Warning: Don't Drink the Dirty Water! Folks, I've been following this cannabis situation closely, and frankly, some things just need to be said plainly. We're seeing a rise in⊠let's call ...
HOT DOGS ARE NOT SANDWICHES!!!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/23/2026
## Are Hot Dogs...Sandwiches OR Salads?! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I was wondering something REALLY important. Are hot dogs sandwiches? My dad likes hot dogs a LOT. And he was talking to Un...